noch in Arbeit
Everyone is more preoccupied with themselves these days. People don't even listen to each other anymore. Sure, you get asked how you are, but before you can even answer, people start talking about their own things.
I carry so much around with me that I'd like to share. But, usually, others beat me to it and start with their stories and problems, and I enjoy listening to them. No problem. It's just that I guess I'm one of those people who talks and then at some point realize that they weren't being listened to, or that they're simply interrupted when someone else brings up a different topic. I don't know if the people I'm talking to even consider how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking at that moment. I mean, it's like I'm uninteresting and boring, and the issues that concern me and that I want to talk about don't interest anyone. Even though these are the things that are currently on everyone's mind. Most of the time, I get responses like, "I don't even watch the news anymore," or "I don't want to know about that." Whatever, everyone needs to know this!
Today, someone whose dog I walk regularly messaged me saying that I don't need to walk the dog anymore because they'll be doing it themselves from now on. That hurts because something important to me, something that meant something to me, and that regularly, even if only for a short moment, transported me to a different 'reality,' has been taken away again. Dogs are great. They love you unconditionally, give warmth and love, they don't hit me or yell at me, they don't lie or cheat on me. Unfortunately, I can't afford my own dog. Pets cost a lot these days. Food, insurance, taxes, and above all, it gets expensive when a pet gets sick and needs treatment and medication. That's just not possible for me. I miss having a dog around. I so badly want someone nearby to talk to and who will listen... I'm tired of life treating me like crap for over 60 years.
Today is another one of those days where everyone thinks they can tell me what to do and what not to do. Why can't people accept that I also have the right to do things or change things? Today I changed the time it takes for messages to appear in the chat. Before, they stayed in the chat until I deleted them myself, and I had changed that to 7 days. In the afternoon, this setting was changed to 'Off'. So I thought about it and changed the time to 90 days. These messages just use up too much data. Not even five minutes later, this setting was changed back to 'Off'. I don't understand it. It's a private chat, with unimportant conversations, and when it comes to appointments, I immediately add them to my calendar. 🤷♀️
I'm so fed up with all of this. No matter what, when, or where, I'm constantly being corrected, ignored, and treated like an idiot.
Self-doubt?
Yes!
Feelings of inferiority?
Yes!
Lonely?
Yes!
... Am I proud of anything?
Yes!
No matter what I've experienced in my life, I never started drinking. Alcohol was normal in my family, and so was the violence that went with it. My childhood was shaped by it, as was my relationship. The physical and emotional abuse left a deep mark on me and... made me anxious. I'm afraid that someone will hurt me again... terrible fear!
I'm afraid of something like this.
